I have been struggling with myself lately, specifically concerning this blog. I’ve been experiencing what I like to call bloggers remorse. I don’t actually regret posting it, but I have a slew of new things to worry about now. I feel like I should post regularly, but not too often to where it looks like I’m trying too hard. I want my posts to be meaningful and deep, but also funny and uplifting. I don’t want to have to work too hard at it; I want each post to come naturally. I want everyone to agree with everything I say, but I also want to challenge people to think differently. I don’t want to say anything that will offened anyone. And, I want it to make me a million bucks and help me lose 10 pounds and get me into heaven. Now, I would venture to say that this is asking a little much of myself and my blog. The whole purpose of this thing was to challenge myself and to have an outlet to express myself, unapologetically. Now, I’m so worried about how others will perceive me that I’m filtering and overthinking everything I write, which is absolutley not what I want to do. It’s hard now, but like most things in life it is helping me practice being the person I want to be. I don’t want to worry about other people’s opinions of me. I want to be fearlessly me.
So, I’m doing the counterintuitive thing and writing about how much I want you all to like me. Yep, I said it. I really, really want your approval. I am not fishing for compliments (but I wouldn’t say no to them either), I’m just practicing being honest.
Wesley told me and has to continually remind me of this when I become too focused on other people’s opinions of me: our only responsibility is to say what we believe to be true in a loving way. It is not our job to worry how another person will interpret what we say. Each person has their own individual beliefs, and everything we hear is filtered through that lense. I should not waste my energy trying to think ahead about how someone might possibly interpret what I’m saying. I used to do that in almost every conversation and it was exhausting. What we do need to do, however, is make sure what we say is true (as far as we know), and that we say it in a loving way. You will never hear me talk about politics, social issues, or hot-button topics because I don’t know what’s true. Sure, I have opinions, but I won’t waste your time with those. I only want to share the things that I know in my heart are true, either from experience or my own personal research. I want to live without feeling responsible for everyone elses reactions. I no longer want to do mental gymnastics whenever I’m having a conversation with someone.
That’s my goal. To write and not worry too much, and really not to take myself too seriously.
And, I have a house update! We put an offer on the house I wrote about here, and we lost it. A cash buyer came in at the last minute and stole it from us. At first I felt nothing, but then a wave of disapointment and hopelessness washed over me. I thought, “I can’t do that again. I can’t get attached and spend so much mental energy worrying about another house for days on end just to lose it!” I didn’t have any desire to look at another house ever agan. It felt like too much, the whole process. It’s taken over our lives and it feels as if life is on pause until we have the keys to our dream home in our hands. I’m trying to be optimistic. “There’s a home out there for us. There’s a reason we didn’t get that house. We’ll be grateful we didn’t get it when it’s all said and done.” These are the things people keep telling me that I’m struggling to believe. I know they’re probably true, and in between believing we will get back on the horse. Tomorrow we will look again. Maybe I can muster up some of the excitiment I felt in the beginning.
So that’s what’s going on with me. It’s not wrapped in a pretty bow, it’s just the honest truth. I am looking forward to spring. The recent sunny days have given me new hope. If I can step back a little I know everything will work out. It’s rough now, but like the seasons everything eventually changes.
I hope you all have a great week!