I read this quote from C. S. Lewis last night and I realized it perfectly summed up what I’ve been feeling for that last few months.
I know two things to be true about God: He is all powerful and He is all knowing.
I know without a doubt that God is powerful. I completely trust and know that He is the supreme authority in this world and that my life is in His hands. He has what it takes to shape lives, move mountains, and part seas.
I also know He’s all knowing–He knows exactly what each one of us needs to find salvation. He knows exactly who we are and what we’re made of. He knows the most intricate parts of our beings, sees even the dustiest corners of our souls. He knows me.
A third truth, which I’m really struggling with, is that He is all loving. That should be the easy one, right? “God IS love”, “For God so loved the world…” No, today it is the one that I’m grappling with the most. I’m struggling to believe that God loves me in a personal way. I know He loves us, but maybe like a shepherd loves a herd of dumb sheep. What is missing from my life right now is the assurance that God cares about my desires and wants me to be happy. Like the quote says, I don’t doubt God will do what is best for me, I’m just scared of what the best entails. It seems like the last year has been full of pain. Don’t get me wrong, it was a year of growth, but it was grueling and exhausting and painful. However, I believe that I needed the pain! God knew exactly what my soul needed and he used pain to bring about the change.
Maybe. (This is where the pendulum has landed tonight.)
If God cares about the condition of our souls above all else, is there any room in Him to care about our wants and desires? I’m looking ahead, trying to visualize what this year will entail, and I’m scared. I’m scared that I won’t get what I want. I know it would be ok and I know I would eventually find peace, but for once I just want something to come easy–I don’t want to struggle.
So, is God all loving? Probably. It’s tempting, at a time like this, to put some distance between God and me (like that were possible.) Keep Him at arms length and view him as a strong, almost military-like leader. But that’s not Him. At least it’s not fully Him. My rebel is telling me to search for love. Seek out the all loving side of the Father. Somehow, in my tiny sheep brain, I need to believe that God is all powerful, all knowing, all loving, and that He is all three fully and equally. It doesn’t make sense. But this is where faith comes in, and my faith, along with my rebel , will lead me to understand the truth of God’s love.